Today marks two years.
It almost feels unreal because I have been working on everything but facing my reality. The truth that you are still not here.
As I get the details done for my wedding this year, I hear myself asking for your opinion, dreaming about the excitement you would have had to be apart of the process.
You dreamed of me getting married one day. You would have laughed and talked on the phone for hours over my hair, dress, and jewelry completely forgetting yourself in the mix.
I still think of what dress, you would have picked out...I will never know now.
At 10 pm today, two years ago, you of all people taken away in such a horrible way.
I still remember that call, my scream as my nightmares for years turned to reality. The fact that your murderer is still out there makes wheeze in nausea and agony.
I imagine them going over to their mother's house on the weekend, calling her for mother's day, and giving her a gift for her birthday when all I can do now is replay the ever-fading memories over and over in my head.
Oh, the memories...
I try to imagine your eyes open and bright, the light of life that I looked into with more joy and praise than any other.
I try to imagine your scathed yet gentle hands rubbing mine reminding me of all the sacrifices you made for me to have a better life.
I try to imagine your warmth as you embraced me that last time as we always held onto each other as if there was no tomorrow.
I keep those memories however, I have to force my mind into pushing them forward as the imagines of your eyes closed, hands dried and leathered, and warmth gone to utter coldness while I kissed your forehead one last time cloud my mind.
Although two years have passed, the pain and yearning to hug and tell you "I love you" still burns my face as if it has been a day.
I feel ashamed most days not for my feelings but, for my lack of action with them. We passed this bill in your name for it not to be placed into action!
Why does it feel like the state doesn't care if anyone else dies?
I know that I am not the only person crying right now because her mom, dad, brother, sister, son, or daughter is gone due to someone up and deciding to shoot them.
WHY IS THAT SOMETHING WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!
I should have my mommy, they should have their mommy too, but they don't because they were taken away just like you. Whose child does if have to be for the state of Illinois to give a crap about it.
WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH?
It should have been fixed before it happened to you. Why did it have to be you?
You wanted to retire close to me, run around with your grandchildren, and live happily ever after. I was doing everything in my power to make that dream a reality.
You deserved that...
If you are in Illinois, please call your location legislature and the Illinois Department of Transportation ask why the cameras from the Tamara Clayton Expressway Camera Act are not up, solving murders, and preventing more pain?
We have already lost a year of the law's effectiveness, please don't let anyone else have to go through this pain.
Mommy, I'm sorry I never said I loved you that day. I hope your soul is at peace for both of us.
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