Anyone, who knows me personally knows that I am the biggest female in my family by a landslide. This journey and realization start so far back, I guess I will start from the beginning.
As a kid, I was a normal size, cute but, a little round. My grandparents were from Mississippi and would take me there every Summer for about 5 to 6 years for several weeks sometimes months to hang out with their siblings, get summer sausage and enjoy the small country life they both missed so much. At the age of six, I remember my first cousin who was around my mom's age or older to tell me to suck in my stomach now so I can get used to it because my face would only get me so far. That was the first time I even noticed my stomach was bigger than my second cousin's (her daughter) I thought she didn't want to play with me because I was younger than her and her friends but, it was because all of them combined couldn't bring the seesaw back down if I sat on the other end.
By fourth grade I had started to like boys and was turned down repeatedly for not being cute enough or having glasses but, 5th grade changed everything. Over the summer my body completely changed and at 10 years old, I was wearing a C-cup bra, when from like 4'9" to 5'1 and a size 10 shoe. Boys saw it too, but I was too busy trying to arm wrestling them than do anything. That was year was the first time I decided to get on the scale. I was 120 pounds at 10 years old. I didn't know if that was good or bad but, I was playing volleyball at the time so I was active.
I knew even in my volleyball team I was different, I wore an extra-large while everyone else was in mediums and smalls. I was already shopping at torrid and in a 16 or 18 juniors in grade school. I hated myself back then too.
In high school, I switched to Track and Field because I talked myself out of trying out for the Volleyball team at my high school. Entrance exams proved to me that I wasn't smart enough for the honors program or good enough to practice the sport that I love so much. I lose one of my best friends to my jealousy and self-loathing during this time something that I always regretted.
Because I stopped Volleyball, I stopped running and fell out of shape quickly. I could barely do laps as it was while playing in grade school so I joined shotput and discus to get moving again. Little did I know the assistant coach of the football team was also the coach for the field team and I would be flipping truck tires so the next year. The powerlifting and strength training paid off and I lose weight in the right places going into my Junior year. I felt cute but that was short-lived because I still was told I was fat due to my thighs touching and being told by bullies daily that I was ugly, worthless, and lame.
I could not wait to get out of there...
I would cry and starve myself to look good for the proms I was invited too. If it wasn't for the friends I did meet in Chorus and the Anime Club I think there would have been even more attempts on my life than there already were at that time...
Fast forward to college, I start birth control because why not that is the smart thing to do when you and your boyfriend attend the same school. This is when things get out of control weight wise for me. I only know him and meet one new friend that I spend most of my time with now, but all we do is go to class and eat out off-campus.
I come back home for Christmas break happy I passed my classes, but no one cared about how I did in school or how long my hair had gotten the first things people would say to me is how big I had gotten. At my aunt's 60th birthday party, I had this non-stop and tried to run to my boyfriend for release from the hurt I was feeling. He broke up with me for being too clingy (which I was honestly).
The second attempt on my life happens. I starve myself for 19 days straight to make the emotional pain turn physical. I lose 30 pounds in 19 days and go back to school at least looking more attractive than I felt but, the moment I come back my best friend is there to emotionally eat with me and I end up 199 pounds by the time I make it home for the summer.
The second attempt on my life happens. I starve myself for 19 days straight to make the emotional pain turn physical. I lose 30 pounds in 19 days and go back to school at least looking more attractive than I felt but, the moment I come back my best friend is there to emotionally eat with me and I end up 199 pounds by the time I make it home for the summer.
I am numb to coming back home only enjoying it around my mom, who judges me the least at this time. Depression kicks in every time I come home and I eat the pain away when I get back to school. By my senior year, I am working three jobs, in 13 organizations, and pushing 240 pounds from the stress of it all. It wasn't until my graduation that I saw what I had turned into.
I was swollen and gigantic for height, but still not disgusted enough with myself to change anything. Like I said, although my weight was an issue my work ethic and drive were moving me places.
I graduated with a salaried job right out of college in Florida where I thought I would stay forever. The third-party logistics company swindled promising college students with the upbeat "work hard, play hard" mentality into working 70 hours a week to try and build a book of business off of sports talk and over-the-phone charisma. I tried my hardest to be successful as I was at everything else, never leaving my desk to go outside, I would be ramen or jimmy johns every day to avoid not missing a call from a potential customer. The leadership knew I was trying but, there were no other jobs available in the area from me with the company and my numbers didn't hit so I was let go.
By then, my self-worth was nonexistent and I was now the heaviest I would ever be 271 pounds. This was my breaking point.
I secured another job (where I am now) within a week of the logistics company letting me go and head home for the holidays with my boyfriend. I pick up the pieces and start my new career. The following Christmas, while at home one of my best friends gets engaged on Christmas Eve and gives us the wedding date info for June of 2018.
I think to myself this is the motivation I need to look good for her wedding. When I get home and start working out, I found keto thanks to Olivia Patrice on Youtube, and finally start to lose wedding I am down almost 50 pounds. I am so happy, getting even smaller after the wedding. Finally, this is the turn I needed. Then February of 2019 hits...
My heart is ripped out of my chest in losing my mom. I get night-terrors and flashbacks to what I saw and the phone call I got the next morning. I begin to eat the pain into numbness yet again getting back up to 264 because after two weeks (which I was extremely grateful to get that) I had to hope back into work and get things done which I did. At work, I exceed expectations and even got the certification my mom wanted me to so that she would be proud of me.
I tried to hope back into fitness but, I lost motivation for mostly everything, what was the point if I could never take care of her again. I went to therapy and tried again to push myself in the right direction. I got back to bouncing in between 245 and 250 this last year.
And now we are here, I finally have a new reason. I need to get healthy for myself and my fiance. Getting married this year is the first real thing I have had to look forward to since that day and now I am ready to fight for this beauty that will be me in September đđž.
I want you to come on this journey with me fighting to get back under 200 before my wedding. Please help me stay accountable week after week.
I am now 248 pounds, 5 foot 3inches, looking to be at 239 by February 1st. I am walking a minimum of 3 miles a day and using mostly prepared meals by Factor75 to stay low carb and drinking more water!
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